Garden Gnomes

"What the hell Dead Charlie? Garden Gnomes are not public art." Don't get me wrong friends, I'm as snobbish about art as the next man, but Gnomes need to be discussed. Are they an emotional unraveling of the artist's emotions, dreams and fears? No. Do they demonstrate the meaning of life? No. Are they the best some can do? Yes. Now when the Gnome is place in the backyard, they are not public art. Some people however feel the need to place them in their front lawns, making them public art. Not financed by the public but forced upon us. I once thought Garden Gnomes demonstrated the childhood playfulness still alive in the homeowners, but I have learned the hard way that it's not true. A Gnome on the front lawn is an international sign that the occupant of the dwelling is a Meth dealer. Fell free to shun these people and poke them with stuff. That is unless the Gnome has a pointy white hat, then that means the person is a midget racist. I give Garden Gnomes a "Leave that silly crap inside you jerky."

Cloud Gate

It may look like a giant metal ass is about to squash a woman, but this image is actually a sculpture called "Cloud Gate" by Anish Kapoor. It's a massive mirror-like thing located in Chicago that people can actually walk under. Very impressive indeed, but think about it my friends. This is a warning about the apocolyptic war we will soon be engaged in with the machines...Terminator style. Doesn't this look like a piece of liquified mercury to you as in Terminator 2? Now if this huge thing is just a drop, imagine the size of the T-1000 when it reforms. This piece was left as a warning to us. You may be thinking "Wait Dead Charlie. The Terminator movies weren't real." If you came from the future to get us prepared for something, how would you acomplish it? That's right... a huge Hollywood movie. And what do you get when you spell Anish Kapoor backwards? Roopak hsina...Roopant sina....repent sinner. I'll give this work "I'm staying away from Chicago."

Skull

This giant skull in England was created out of used cans. It's a wonderful use of recycled products and sends a great message that you can recycle and care for the Earth all you want, but you're still going to die. Wouldn't it be cool if King Kong swam over to England and wore this as a mask. I give this one a "I suddenly feel like some soup."

Alison Lapper Sculpture

I know what you're thinking, but no this is not Drago after he lost his fight with Rocky, let himself go, developed some nice man-tits, and lost his arms to some Soviet infection. This is a statue of Alison Lapper who is some chick that has no arms and messed up legs, but is also a mom and what not. It's a very striking work though somewhat controversial because it was place in Trafalgar Square for all of London to see. I think most people were pissed because they were like "Hey, we paid all this money for a statue and Marc Quinn (the artist) goes all cheap on us and doesn't even throw in the arms. Lazy." Well good point people of London but, hey, check out the rack. I give this work a "solid Stalin-like glare of strength"

Ocean Beach Mural

This mural was clearly painted by a genius. Not only does it tell you where you are (Ocean Beach, California), but it also gives you a safety tip: Be careful because zombies have been known to crawl out of the ocean. This walking undead lady has the look of "Brains." She wants it and if not careful, it'll be yours. So watchout surfers and tourists, zombies come from anywhere, but by the look of it, Ocean Beach has your back. I give this piece a "It's functional"

Blue Mustang

This is the "Blue Mustang" or "Demon Horse" or whatever standing in front of Denver's Airport. It's eyes light up evil red, it has spikey hair, it's ribs are visible and oh did I mention he killed his artist. Yeah the artist, Louis Jimenez, was crushed while making it. I don't know why people are scared of it. A lot of people hate this piece, but those people are assholes. They want some stupid, bronze cowboy or something. This piece is striking and if Denver gets rid of it, I hope it comes alive and burns down the airport with it's laser eyes. You may fear the horse, or the site of it may cause you to rethink your sexuality, but god knows it's sweet. I give it a "Sweet!"